Early on in my evolution to become a death doula, I had to come to grips with a feeling deep down inside of me.
Despite all of the training and work Sandy and I had done to earn our certifications, plus the 20+ years we spent before then helping our friends and family transition into a peaceful passing, I was still stuck on one thing…
I am afraid of death.
Medical experts have coined the term, thanatophobia, a mental condition that describes a person’s extreme fear of death or the dying process. But that’s not me.
My fear of death isn’t a phobia or even all that extreme. I see it as natural one many of us share that stems from an intimate fear of the unknown.
Yet, when I’m working with the dying and their loved ones, I become calm. My brain flips over to help-love-listen mode where service is everything and fear has no place in me. (Don’t ask me how that switch gets flipped. It just does.)
And, when I have felt fear in the moment — questioning an approach or forgetting something that was important in the moment — I always come back to something Anthony Morales, my mentor and house manager at Abode Contemplative Care For The Dying, told me when Sandy and I started this death doula journey.
The best way I can describe Anthony’s advice: Give yourself permission to be human and fallible and do your job with love and kindness minus judgement.
In other words, be open, honest, caring, attentive and present and everything else falls into place no matter what happens. Accept that you’ve done your best whatever the outcome and own it.
Giving myself this kind of permission has been invaluable, not only in my work to be a better Death Doula (I know), but to be a better friend (I think) and a better father and husband (I hope).
Also, I realized that serving the dying and their families has helped me stop sitting on the sidelines and pushed me to be a part of life again, something that was very hard for me to embrace in the post-COVID era.
If you are afraid about death, we know the feeling. Sandy and I are here to help you and your loved ones navigate these fears and live the best rest of your life possible.
